‘Actually’ Autistic…

Tattoo

I am Autistic.

I’ve written these words before, in my mind, in journals, face-to-face. Never online. I’ve spoken with neurotypical and neurodiverse people, sharing my experiences and am quite open about my late adult diagnosis and how that has impacted my life.

But never public, never online.

Online is permanent, solid, un-retractable. Traceable.

I don’t believe that being Autistic is something you grow out of, so using the word ‘permanent’ isn’t about having a temporary bout of Autism; it’s more that once words are published into the web-o-sphere, they’re there: you cannot remove them entirely.

It’s putting your whole self into this intransient space

and hoping not to be judged.

Or worse, dismissed.

Selah …

So why now?

I’m a year shy of 50, where apparently one no longer gives a f&#@ about what anyone else things of them, so maybe it’s just me getting ahead of the curve while I have the fortitude to do so.

The reality is that I have been Autistic my whole life but only now that I have that little piece of paper that says I am ‘actually’ Autistic, do I feel I can take a deep breath and reconcile my heart and mind.

I have only begun the journey to understanding myself. To ‘think differently’ and not through the filter I carefully constructed to meet the expectations and standards of the social construct I have grown up in. It is still new and a practice I expect will continue throughout my life.

I’m not going to go into all the details about why I sought a formal diagnosis or what steps I took to get one, nor am I going to write some long-winded flowery piece about how wonderful it is to ‘finally have answers to so many life-long questions’.

There are plenty of bumpy roads on this journey as well;

it’s not all sunshine and sunflowers …

Suffice to say I am happier. I feel more in tune with my mind and how I process the world. I sense a growing confidence to connect with others in my own unique way, and for that, I am grateful to live at a time when society is becoming more welcoming of neurodiversity in women and as a whole.

For now, I hope you find some resonance with my thoughts and maybe the courage to explore the best parts of you, too.