Somewhat disoriented, I checked the time on my phone. 4:31am. It was the bang that woke me and as I stumbled to the bathroom, I remembered the eldest was off to fly away again for work.
I snuggled back down into my bed. And then they came. Rushing out like a burst dam. Words like water flooding my neurotransmitters so quickly that I realised, yet again, I would be up early.
So much for the Saturday morning sleep in. Who really does that anyway?
I tried. I really did. But then my brain started shooting off emails to the rest of my body and before I knew it, my stomach was replying to the morning instructions with growls.
Twenty minutes passed and I had fully constructed this post in my mind. Bugger. I’m fully awake now. Sigh.
I popped down to the kitchen, which is never a quiet and stealthy operation: we have floorboards and they like to announce your arrival. Packed a few snacks for the boy, gave him a hug and said ‘Have a great trip. I’m off to my second bedroom’ and he laughed, knowing exactly where I was off to.
This is my life. I write all day, every day. I may not get it all on paper but it’s always there; a continual flow. If I get blocked, I assume my brain has finally fatigued enough to shut up for a few days and I don’t complain. Some days I can generate more than a dozen ideas in just a few minutes and it can be physically and psychologically draining.
Sometimes I am actually thinking about four or five things to do while showering or driving and I’m so engrossed in the deluge that I forget steps.
Like whether or not I’ve already conditioned.
And wonder how I could be rolling into the driveway when I only just left the shop.
To call it a minefield would be appropriate at times. One move in any direction can set off multiple mind bombs, exploding across my mental headquarters and all I can do is try to keep up. My synapses are firing and I am usually found running for cover, pen in hand, paper tucked under my arm…
Unless it’s a 4D day. They’re amazing. It’s like the world was grayscale even though everything seems like it was colour and then it suddenly becomes full technicolour – sometimes just for a day, other times for days on end.
These are the days that are hard to control but they are so compellingly beautiful that I have to follow the White Rabbit down that blasted hole because all my answers really just might be in there… somewhere.
These are the days when it’s not just racing thoughts; in fact, it’s clarity like nothing else. It’s the 10,000 word days, the hour long CD recording/producing/publishing days, the art making days…
It’s now 5:56 am. I have seven tabs open, have made a promo graphic, read an article on how your greatest disadvantage can turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to you, had a cuppa and written these words.
I don’t think today is a 4D day, probably just 3D. And I have things to do, just like always. And I’ll probably achieve some of them but not all of them. And that’s okay, because as uniquely wired as I am, and as odd as I might seem to some, I am this. This is me. We are one and the same.
And finally, I am getting used to what that feels like. To be me. To be okay with just being me.
I hope you find your me too.
By the way, I thought you might like this too…Feel free to share 🙂